What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I just tested negative for patience.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
so i’m at the stock market right
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.