The 6 types of sex
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This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do