I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
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“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.