9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’m not proud
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
need him
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!