shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The French cow says MEUX…
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
you have three unread messages
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils