Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
You Might Also Like
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.