Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Mhm.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees