Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
oppen heimer style lol
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.