Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.