Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the h in mysterious.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

this is 10/10 content no notes

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”