Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes