Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
You Might Also Like
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.