Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point