Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Always a metermaid never a meter
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
He just like my cat fr
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth