Always a metermaid never a meter
You Might Also Like
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
accurate
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”