Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*