Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
o shit
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u