My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.