Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
are there any atheist mantises?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.