I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
You Might Also Like
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Not today
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there