i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
mathematically impossible
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.