You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”