What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.