Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?