Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Beware…..
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.