*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.