🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.