Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Heroic Misunderstanding
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night