Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
wtf is an acronym
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out