Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
In Canada they just call them geese
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*