Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
You Might Also Like
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation