Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
You Might Also Like
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.