date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.