My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”