Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Looking at you, Jesus.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’