A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no