Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?