I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered