Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?