me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
gm
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.