Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
A double negative is a big no-no.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”