Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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yall want some gasoline milk
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.