My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly