I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
#Caturday
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!