“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
every single time
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics