I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.