*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall