*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.![]()
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too