Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.