If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
You Might Also Like
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️