Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
You Might Also Like
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?