Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
same energy
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool