Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
When ur friends with white people
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”