STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
You Might Also Like
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.