today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I’m being attacked 😭
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*