flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.