REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *